British Tea, Life, Towns and Government (Transfer Proposals) Act 2010

" This morning David Cameron, the last Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, announced the British Tea, Life, Towns and Government (Transfer Proposals) Act 2010.
The act is similar in it's effectiveness to the British Coal and British Rail (Transfer Proposals) Act 1993 (c3) which was brought into effect during Baroness Thatcher's reign in the 1980's.
Mr Cameron was joined on stage after the announcement by Margaret, who is reportedly 'disgustingly happy' with the move and believes it will not only 'revolutionise the economy, but also British politics'.

Mr Cameron told the press 'we are now looking for the highest bidder in many sectors of British-life. You can now purchase the chance to be a mayor, policeman, fireman, headteacher. I've already had the Prime ministerial job bought from me by Rupert Murdoch!'.
Mr Murdoch has not issued a statement regarding this, but did release a statement whereby he announced he was the largest stockholder in the already controversial conglomerate U.M.A.


Mr Cameron also released news that the opportunity to rent 10 Downing Street will become available by the end of next week. "

Cameron & Clegg: The end of British Government

" David Cameron and Nick Clegg last night went on television to announce their plans for the future of Britain and its politics.
David Cameron told the audience in the BBC studio about the immediate spending cuts to be put in place in public services such as; Welfare, Health, Education, Defence, Public order and safety, Housing and Transport. And other serious cuts to be put in place in; recreation, culture, religion, agriculture, and industry. The news of the dire cuts ahead in wages for a number of civil servants has called for a possible strike.

The expected cut in each individual budget is for casted to be near 95% of each budget. These cuts, alongside the cuts in Liberal Democrat expenses is expect to raise each Conservative expenses amount drastically.


Mr Clegg, the only Liberal Democrat left in the cabinet is reported to be 'deeply upset' with the move. The Lib Dem leader was moved to tears at the end of the show and shouted 'I just wanted to make the country good again'.
Mr Cameron, however, left the studio promptly so as to keep with a dinner arrangement with Baroness Thatcher who has recently been released from hospital after blood tests showed she could be suffering from cancer, when in fact it has been discovered that she is entirely made from cancerous cells."

MPenalised

The Daily Mail

" David Cameron yesterday held a press conference where he made it known that further job cuts would be happening within the next week to month.
The Prime Minister told reporters outside of 10 Downing Street that many of these jobs would be happening inside the House of Commons, effectively firing a vast majority of the elected MP's because their wages and allowances are deemed 'too expensive'.

Mr Cameron made firstly made it clear that the entire cabinet was behind the move, after 'long and tiring talks' the MP's came to a deal whereby they would leave their positions of power with the entitlement of a large sum of money, estimated at somewhere between £1m and £5m, and a yearly income of £50,000 paid in good will.
The MP's will also be eligible for job seekers allowance."

A Cut Above The Rest

The Times

" Some 600,000 jobs are expected to be lost in the public sector over the next six years, the Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) has said.
The OBR has fore casted 490,000 job losses by 2015 and 610,000 by 2016. This is directly opposite what David Cameron said during a Commons exchange when he said unemployment would fall during the coalition governmental time.
Mr Cameron did not specify of which department the job losses would be from, but made it clear that they would be 'across the board'.
The cut in jobs has collided with news that roughly 15,000 new McDonalds, KFCs, Starbucks, Costa Coffees and new airport terminals will be opened in this space of time. Sparking rumours that many of the employees will simply be moved into these openings instead."

Philip Hollobone unVeils New Initiative

The Observer

" Philip Hollobone has put forward parliamentary legislation to regulate the use of "certain facial coverings" in public.
Mr Hollobone is attempting to pass a law which would ban people from wearing; Burqas, ħijāb head scarfs , sunglasses, eye patches, leather "gimp" masks, handkerchiefs, habits (traditionally worn by nuns of the Catholic church) and balaclavas.

The Kettering MP said in a press conference this 'would obviously have a big impact for those who wear full-face Islamic veils, but Britain requires a stronger sense of security; and we can only do that if we can see everyone. We feel safer seeing people, how can you trust someone you can't see? Think about this; have you ever wondered what an Islamic person's passport picture is?'.

He later went on to say that the burqa is 'against the British way of life'. A comment deemed dismissible by other MP's who pointed out that Britain is the most multicultural country in the world.

Mr Hollobone caused has caused controversy before when he voted against equal gay rights; even though his son has recently 'come out'.
Mr Hollobone was also investigated after allegations arose that he voted against the smoking ban after Marlboro, a part of the UMA, paid him a large sum of money.
Mr Hollobone is also a member of BOO, Better Off Out, a non-party campaign set up by the UMA to privatise the UK and leave the European Union."

Lions In Wait

The Daily Mail

" FIFA has dropped Uruguayan referee Jorge Larrionda from its quarterfinal list following a widely criticised error in England's 4-1 defeat by Germany. Larrionda denied Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard an equaliser for a 2-1 trailing England, when his strike bounced off the inside leg of the Army Cadet, shadowing Mr Lampard for security reasons, and then of the crossbar and hit beyond the goal line but was quickly snatched out by German goalkeeper Manuel Neuer in Sunday’s second round World Cup clash in Bloemfontein.

FIFA said that 'although in usual circumstances this would have been completely understandable; however we had previously allowed the presence of the British Armed forces on the pitch after the recent animal attacks in South Africa. We thought it logically to allowed their actions to be simply the same as the footballers, as they were matching their every move. We have used advanced technology to predict if the ball would have taken a similar route had the ball his Frank Lampard instead and have come to the conclusion that it would have indeed been a goal'.


Even if the goal had been allowed however, Germany still won by 2 goals. Germany will face Argentina on the 3rd of July.
It is rumoured that German officials are attempting to acquire permission to get a German military presence on the pitch."

PM stablises British-Chinese Relations

The Times

" David Cameron is said to be visiting China in the near future in an attempt to sooth relations between the two countries after David Miliband offended a Chinese official on Monday.
An invitation to Mr Cameron was extended by Chinese President Hu Jintao as they met for talks on the fringe of the G20 summit in Toronto. Mr Cameron, a connoisseur of Chinese delicacies, agreed strongly with the Chinese President Hu Jintao on the need to increase trade between the UK and China.
The Chinese president said Mr Cameron had telephoned him on his second day as PM, "signalling his readiness to make a stronger relationship" with China. Mr Cameron joked that he was actually trying to call his local take-away, but 'this result was equally as useful to the growth of Britain and not just his stomach'.

Mr Cameron is likely to raise the issue of the trained '50 foot millipedes' which are powering China's cities, especially after it has been rumoured that three of them escaped from one of their holding areas and is responsible for the recent destruction of two tourist boats in Thailand, where 2 British tourists are said to be 'critical'. "

Getting a "Clegg" over on the opposition

The Daily Mail


" Yesterday Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats played down the threat made by Simon Hughes that he would 'put it on the table' that a number of Liberal Democrat MP's were against this week's budget announcements. Following a revolt in Brighton of 5 MP's one of which being the, now deceased, Menzies Campbell.
Mr Clegg reassured voters that although he and the party had campaigned strongly a rise in VAT, it became obvious to them all that a VAT increase was exactly what the country needed in this financially stricken time. He assured the BBC that 'The top earners will make a much bigger contribution than anybody else'.

The Labour party, including it's potential leaders DavEd, have attacked the Lib Dems for supporting the budget – particularly when they specifically campaigned against raising VAT.
Mr Clegg also finally spoke about the misunderstanding surrounding his arrest, and the reason behind the vials apparently containing the blood of the Prime Minister. 'I was taking the vials to my mother-in-law, who has a rare blood condition and blood type. Health care is unattainable for her, and I would not accept people giving me money to help cover the costs; so instead Dave offered some of his blood, as he is the same blood group as her'.
Mr Clegg's wife is a catholic Spanish national. It is rumoured she is here illegally, but we are unable to comment as an inquest is underway.
Mr Clegg told the press how 'deeply saddened' he was at the news of Menzies Campbell's death. But also 'deeply touched' he was asked to identify the body.
Mr Campbell was apparently like a second father to Mr Clegg, and was with him through the duration of his troubles with alcoholism.
It is reported that Mr Clegg is to inherit a large amount of Mr Campbell's estate, which is estimated at just over £10 million.

Mr Clegg also urged anyone with information regarding the other four missing politicians to step forward 'so as to stop the possibility of anymore fatalities'. "

8 - 8 - 4

The Daily Mirror

" Yesterday David Cameron announced at the G8 summit in Canada he wanted troops in Afghanistan home by 2015. Starting with those troops sent to South Africa, who are there to ensure the safety of the football team for the duration of the World Cup, who will be returning first.
Mr Cameron also announced the safety plan for the players throughout the games; there will be a bodyguard on the pitch, next to every player, during every game. This is expected to be initiated in tomorrow's game versus Germany.
It is expected Prince Harry will be shadowing England's right-back, Glen Johnson.

FIFA, The International Federation of Association Football, have allowed the move due to 'the extreme circumstances' and understand the national call for security, after the animal attacks at the last game.

The Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium was eventually cleared of animal carcasses, but the stadium was originally deemed unusable after the repair cost was estimated at £5 million pounds, an amount of money unavailable to the South African Government. However the U.M.A offered to pay the sum so games can continue.
The conglomerate has also offered to pay for the flights, the hotels and for the food of the British troops stationed in Port Elizabeth. An offer accepted by The Government, who, with the budget cuts, would find it financially difficult to send the troops otherwise.

Fabio Capello was eventually found, unharmed, cowering in a locker. His injuries were only psychological, and it appears the incident has made him ever more sure that 'if we can beat Mother Nature; we can beat the Germans!'. "

Mili-Bound Together

The Daily Mail

" Today, at 11am Rolf Harris opened the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury with a plethora of his oldest hits. Rolf was unexpectedly joined on stage during his hit "Jake the Peg" by David and Ed Miliband, who were in the news recently after causing disturbances together and separately. But the brothers had undergone a slight change since they were last seen by the public. In what will be a controversial move in the leadership race of the Labour party, of which they are both running; the brothers have become surgically attached to each other.
'DavEd', as the pair have now been dubbed, enacted some of the famous dance moves in Rolf Harris' song. The pair finished the show by cartwheeling off stage into a limousine which drove them back to London. They held a press conference outside . the Royal Marsden, where the operation was performed, where they outlined their intentions.
'We realised that the only way to be sure that the labour party would be in good hands was to have another pair just in case. Together, we can watch each others back and make sure every decision we take is the right one. After all; two heads are better than one'.

Rolf was said to be 'stunned to be asked to perform with the brothers' but thought it was a marvellous opportunity 'to show the marvels of modern medicine'. Rolf of course has a special connection with plastic surgery, after being the first successful female-male patient. "

George Osborne announces Budget Mark II

The Observer

" Earlier today George Osborne released another budget with some more serious cuts in funding to major parts of politics. The most crippling thing to receive significant cuts were of the wages of certain MPs, predominately the wages of Liberal Democrat MP's who may now find it increasingly difficult to travel to London, causing concern that they may be unable to do their job and may be forced to give up their positions to Conservative members of Parliament.

John Hutton has received complaints from his ex-Labour colleagues after being appointed by the Conservative-Lib Dem coalition to head a commission into public sector pensions. Mr Osborne added that Mr Hutton's involvement meant that the proposals would have had cross-party input. Alistair Darling is said to be 'deeply hurt he was not asked'.
The former chancellor said Tuesday's budget announcement could be 'severely dire for many. In concentrating on the deficit they're ignoring that need to have a significant large amount of growth'. Mr Darling echoed the findings of the IFS, the Institute for Fiscal Studies, when he said 'we are facing the longest, deepest, sustained period of cuts to public services spending since World War II'.


The chancellor confirmed that university fees would be going up, and that it a system would be put in place so that students applying for tuition fees would be means tested and if it is deemed they can afford the cost without acquiring a loan they will not be eligible.
He announced plans to increase pay and the expenses of Conservative MPs, because 'the work and stress placed upon them at this difficult time, due to the actions of the previous government, requires higher financial support'. "

Cameron Defends Spending Cuts

The Times

" David Cameron gave a speech outside of Downing street today after allegations he was allowing Britain's education system to be funded and partially bought by the conglomerate U.M.A.

'It is true, that at this time, I fully agree with George Osborne in that we do need to make drastic spending cuts to help the economy grow. But we are also inexplicably aware that this country requires an adept and well funded education system which can support our children through these difficult times. So, we may have to look for outside funding to make sure our children have the future that they deserve.'

Mr Cameron would not say where this funding was coming from, but it is known that outside companies are looking into helping with the funding. The Chancellor, George Osborne, is expected to announce another budget tomorrow.
The Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, was also scheduled to make a short speech which was expected to deal with his recent arrest, and to reassure Liberal Democrat voters that he was doing his bit for the country. However Mr Clegg is unattainable after identifying the body of, the now deceased, Menzies Campbell. The Prime Minister said he was 'deeply saddened by the loss of a great man and a great politician' and that 'the state of Britis politics was greatly changed by the work of Menzies Campbell. He will be sorely missed'.

Mr Cameron also spoke of the talks he has been engaged in with Jacob Zuma, the Prime Minister of South Africa.
'The Prime Minister of South Africa has assured me that our boys are safe as they hold up our great name abroad. But for the added security of not only our fans, the players and South African nationals; we will be sending a small number of reserve and active troops in Afghanistan to go and protect them whilst the games are on.'
One of the reserve companies expected to be sent to South Africa is the Alamein Company, of which Prince Harry is a member. He is yet to make a formal statement, but close friends have said he is 'excited to be defending our men when it really matters'. "

Minging Campbell

The Independent


" The body of the highly esteemed Liberal Democrat politician Menzies Campbell, was found in a forest near Brighton earlier today. Menzies had recently escaped from a police van after a Liberal outcry regarding the coalition's budget cut released on Tuesday.
Mr Campbell was found by a small tree. The police report indicates he was 'Half buried in a hole'.
A dog walker saw the body at around 12:30pm and immediately called the police. Retrieval of the body was held up, however, when it was found the lower part of Mr Campbell's body was being eaten by a small group of badgers, all of which had to be culled by police.

Mr Campbell's body was taken to a local mortuary where the Deputy Prime Minister was waiting to identify the body. Nick Clegg was said to be 'deeply upset' by the incident, and has not left his study since returning around 2:30pm. There are fears that he may be drinking heavily. His alcoholism was a major factor in the coalition being set up. The Prime Minister made it clear to Mr Clegg that he needed a 'stoic and supportive deputy, who had a clear head at all times'.

The 34Th brigade who served with Menzies Campbell in the Vietnam war, where he lost his left arm, will be holding a service tomorrow in the Mr Campbell's hometown. He went into service after his gift in short distance running gave him the advantage in attacking. He held the British 100 metres record from 1967 to 1974, having run the distance in 10.2 seconds, and captained the Great Britain athletics team in 1965 and 1966. And was given the nickname 'the fastest white man on the planet'.

The whereabouts of the other missing Liberal Democrat politicians; Danny Alexander, Annette Brooke, Jeremy Browne, Alistair Carmichael and Peter Brand are still unknown. "

Wimbledoom

The Daily Mirror

" John Isner and Nicolas Mahut tore up the record books as their epic first-round contest at Wimbledon became the longest in tennis history, after it lasted a huge 10 hours. The match was locked at 59-59 in the final set but had to be suddenly stopped when the french player, Nicolas Mahut, apparently picked up a stray hedgehog thinking it was a tennis ball and had to be rushed to hospital are serious damage to tendons in his hand.
The match was expected to continue into it's third day after being stopped the previous day due to dim light.

Mr Mahut is now on constant watch at St. George's hospital after his injuries became life-threatening. It is believed they could have been treated early but ambulance teams were delayed in trying to enter the grounds to administer care to Mr Mahut, after hundreds of other hedgehogs were blocking the roads on the way into Wimbeldon Stadium. It is not known why the hedgehogs congregated on the Wimbledon Stadium, but experts beleive it may be to do with the sudden increase in heat.
'They must just be thirsty' a spokesperson from the RSPCA has said. 'They usually stay near rivers, but the huge supply of Buxton water must be attracting them'.
Buxton water is the sponsor of the tennis at Wimbledon. It had recently gone into bankruptcy, but was saved from being closed down when it was bought by the U.M.A.

David Cameron, who was at the tennis match until being called away for talks with Jacob Zuma about the the crisis in South Africa, apparently got away before the incident. But is said to be 'deeply concerned'.

There was worries for the British education system this week, when it was announced in George Osborne's budget cuts that PE would be cut from the curriculum. Bringing fears that there would not only be wide-spread obesity, but no more athletically fit people to play in the English football team, or Wimbledon.
The Government has said that it 'is looking into sources of other financial investment, potentially from outside sources'.
George Osborne is expected to announce another series of "extreme, but required, budget cuts' tomorrow. "

England Springbok into First Place

The Times

" Millions of fans saw England beat Slovenia 1-0 in their last qualifying round match earlier today, but only the 48,000 fans in the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium were witness to the carnage which ensued after the cameras stopped filming once the game had ended. Reports from eye-witnesses are sketchy at best, but it appears that a horde of animals stormed the pitch in a blind fury as the fans we're trying to leave the stadium.
From the descriptions given, it appears the conclave of animals was mainly made from 'Springboks', a medium sized brown and white gazelle that stands about 75 cm high, and 'Chacma Baboons', with a body length of up to 115 cm and a weight from 15 to 31 kg, it is among the largest and heaviest baboon species. Chacma Baboons are omnivorous but usually prefer eating vegetation, the Sprinkbok only eats plant life however both kinds of animals apparently were 'ripping the flesh from fans', as one survivor has recounted. 'They came from no-where! We all heard a loud thumping and banging, we just thought it was drunk English fans causing a scene. No-one could have expected seeing gazelle's ridden by baboons running along the aisles!'. The English and Slovenian football teams are apparently still stuck in their changing rooms and are all accountable for, as the South African police attempt to contain the situation. However, Fabio Capello is still missing and was last seen being chased by two blood-thirsty baboons. There is still hope for his survival but experts on the baboons are making it clear that 'When those animals are hungry, they won't stop until they're done'.

Jacob Zuma, the Prime Minister of South Africa, is said to be in deep talks with David Cameron, who was at Wimbledon when the pandemonium broke out, about the possibility of sending police from Britain to aid in the stand-off and to give extra protection to the England football team. Mr Clegg, the deputy Prime Minister, was unavailable to take part in the talks after being released on compassionate grounds earlier today, but is said to 'deeply regret the misunderstanding'. A statement is expected to be made shortly.

This follows an incident in March, when development and preparation for the World Cup, when work was halted by a string of apparent random attacks on fast-food chains. The blame was placed on the large homeless population, who are starving and would see the lack of security n McDonald's as the easiest way to get food. However, wildlife experts are considering the possibility that animals in the environment were affected by the large increase in fast food outlets in preparation for the World Cup, which is sponsored by McDonald's - a part of the U.M.A.
Richard Branson is yet to comment on the situation. "

A Prime Cut

The Daily Telegraph

" This week George Osborne, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, announced a potential 25% spending cut in the budget for education. this announcement means that potentially Teachers and lecturers will face a two-year pay freeze from 2011. Teacher's unions have warned that "this level of funding reduction will inevitably include fairly savage staffing cuts, inevitably leading to many schools being closed. Many children will find themselves unable to find a school to go to, unless they can afford to go private".
Michael Gove, the education minister, has already admitted certain schools will need to be closed down due to the spending cuts. The most notable schools to potentially be closing down are the Stantonbury Campus in Milton Keynes, which has space for 2600 students, and the highly anticipated Nottingham Academy, which is expected to house 3500 students upon completion. However Mr Gove released a statement regarding private funding for these schools which could possibly save them from completely closing down, coming from the 'U.M.A. - The United Monopolies Association'.

The U.M.A was set up when some of the world's biggest companies joined together to form a conlomerate capable of sustaining itself. Headed by Richard Branson of the Virgin Group, the U.M.A is made up from varying companies including; Starbucks, McDonalds, Burger King, Tesco, Amnesty International, KFC, Fox News and Easyjet. The U.M.A already own many things in the world including; Wall Street, Brighton, Guantanamo bay, United Arab Emirates and fund many of NASA's experiments. The conglomerate has bought many schools in the USA in states such as Florida, Texas and Nevada. These particular schools have seen a rise in the rate of students going to college, a statistic rumoured to have been the reason Michael Gov approached them in the hope of helping Britiains failing pass rates.
The downside of these Fast-Food-Schools is an increase in obesity, litter and early death rates in the areas affected. However, this has had the upshot of a growth in the economy of those areas, with an increase in the amount of; gyms, funeral parlours and litter collectors being built. Mr Gove and Mr Osborne met earlier in the week to discuss the possibility of this happening in this country, both we're apparently "happy with the budget cuts, as in the foreseeable future it would bring economic growth to the country".

Mr Gove's possible move to allow the U.M.A to buy out schools in the UK has been met by some protest from the RSPCA and WWF, who say the affect on wildlife in unaccountable.
"These areas are not suitable for huge growth. The animal life would suffer dramatically from an increase in lorries, pollution and food wasted from these outlet stores. We have already seen the effect on foxes from McDonalds waste, who knows what would happen in these places if we added new kinds of food."
The WWF released a report regarding an incident in Nevada where a pack of coyotes attacked children leaving their school after the day was finished. The coyotes' growth was found to be excelled by the amount of additives in the food, and that their aggression levels increased by the amount of lights.
The possible effect on British wildlife is unknown however. Pauline Koupparis has said she would be at the spearhead of a campaign to stop the move, after her children we're attacked by foxes and destroyed in a controlled explosion. "

You're Nicked, Clegg!

The Independant

" The Liberal Democrats have disputed claims that Nick Clegg is taking supplements containing the DNA of David Cameron after he was randomly stopped and search on the way to Spain with his wife, Miriam González Durántez. But have admitted that he is currently being questioned by police after an incident at Heathrow.
Mr Clegg, the Deputy Prime-Minister alongside Mr Cameron, has been noted in recent months to have become more 'peculiar' looking. Mr Clegg is reported to be sleeping in a separate room after spending 'too many nights out staying at other people's houses', a close family friend has said.
'Miriam is very upset. She knows he has to work on this, it is a difficult time for them all; she just doesn't understand why he needs to stay the night. But she is standing by him until the end, and knows that nothing could be going on.'

Mr Clegg and Cameron we're recently photographed at 5am as Mr Clegg left 10 Downing street with a briefcase apparently filled with 'important documents' which he would apparently work on whilst in on holiday with his family.
Ms Durántez, Mr Clegg and his children met at Heathrow airport where they continued to check in for their 8am flight to Madrid. However, Mr Clegg was pulled to one-side shortly before boarding the planes as officials had looked through his case and found some vials of what appeared to be blood. Mr Clegg was detained whilst his family continued onto Madrid.

Experts have since done tests upon the vials and found that they contain human blood. No-one is sure whether or not they are actually filled with the blood of Mr Cameron, but some back-benchers have mentioned that Mr Cameron has, of late, been looking pale and that Mr Clegg has been picking up certain similarities of Mr Cameron. The most notable being Mr Clegg reminiscing of memories from his time at Eton, when in fact he was a student in Germany.
Mr Clegg is still being questioned, but no statement has been made by the police

This news comes after the recent Budget cuts were announced by George Osborne, where VAT has been raised by 25%. This news caused a minor riot in the Liberal Democrat HQ in Brighton by MPs against the coalition, especially after it was noted that in the first two days into the Lib Dem's campaign they announced that under a Conservative government we would be paying £389 more a year. This was the main spearhead of the Lib Dem campaign, which has obviously since been forgotten.

6 MP's from the Liberal Democrats were arrested, but apparently escaped from the police van after the officers were called to a KFC to try and contain a surge of Badgers.
The 6 MP's are still at large. If anyone has seen;
Danny Alexander, Annette Brooke, Jeremy Browne, Menzies Campbell, Alistair Carmichael and Peter Brand please call the police and lock your windows. They are still at large and are apparently 'Armed and Dangerous'. They were last seen running towards a forest, shortly followed by a small number of badgers. "

Free Range Children

The Guardian

" Andrew Lansley the Secretary of state in charge of the Department of health has called for a review of the school meals given to children under the age of 7, after a recent surge of fox attacks has caused a huge decline in their numbers.
Mr Lansley issued this statement;
'It is only logical that the reason these foxes are dying is due to the fact that our children are unhealthy. If you ate a poorly kept chicken you would become unwell and then there would be an inquiry into the standards of care for poultry.

We are only doing what seems obvious to us. These foxes would not have died if our children had been healthier; which means that our children are unhealthy. At least to foxes, which usually eat rubbish without becoming unwell.
Do we want to live in a world where our children are dirtier than bins?'


Mr Lansley's claims have been backed by Barney Reed, the spokesperson for the the Senior Scientific Office of the RSPCA. Mr Reed who holds an MSc in Applied Animal Behaviour and Animal Welfare and a BSc in Psychology says that to a fox "We're like junk food. Once they've had a taste they cannot get enough. There is so many additives in our food that it has in fact made us addictive. We are not meant to be eaten, like a kebab, which makes them do it more. We're the forbidden fruit of the canine world."
Jamie Oliver is said to agree whole-heartily with the initiative, and that he is immensely interested in trying to help with the campaign.

Although classified as a carnivore, red foxes are omnivorous and are highly opportunistic. Prey can range in size from 0.5 cm insects to 150 cm red-crowned cranes. The majority of their diet consists of invertebrates, such as insects, mollusks, earthworms and crayfish. They also eat plant material. Common vertebrate prey includes rodents (such as mice and voles), rabbits, birds, eggs and small reptiles. And now small children after the spate of attacks on them. With the first attack on a child by a fox being on the 7Th June 2010 when a small fox attack two nine-month old twins.
Forensic experts suspect the smell of the blended McDonald's attracted the foxes, who recognised it from rubbish.
The children we're destroyed in a controlled explosion two days later for fear of them attracting foxes into the hospital ward.


In similar news; a herd of Badgers in Brighton stormed a KFC last night. No-one was seriously harmed. "

Ed Mili-Banned

The Times

" Claims that David Miliband, has placed a restraining order on Ed Miliand, his brother, have been verified by Scotland Yard this afternoon. The news came out after police were called to Ms Kozak's home on her 70Th birthday after her two sons arrived and an argument broke out onto the street.


Sir Paul Stephenson, the Commissioner of London's Metropolitan Police Service, told reporters that 'Mr D. Miliband make Mr E. Miliband aware about the restraining order he had requested be taken out upon him. Mr E. Miliband was, quite understandably, upset about this and a fight broke out.
The police were only called out after David had a Tesco value cake hit over his head causing him concussion, he was then dragged into the road where Edward continued to verbally harass him. Edward was arrested for assault and kept in a cell overnight, he has now been released on bail. David is currently being kept overnight in hospital, his injuries are not serious.
We expect no further charges to be made against Edward, but will be looking into the restraining order more seriously now.'
This is not the first incident where the 'Miliband-Brothers' arguments have been a danger to the public. In early 1997 David and Edward broke their 10 year silence at dinner in a restaurant in London. When asked what he would like to eat David said "Just cook my up Edward, he looks enough like an octopus with that head of his". Edward apparently then shouted at him in Latin and attempted to drown him in the lobster tank. The restaurant in question has since closed down. However, Edward and David did have to pay compensation to the owner, a Mr G. Ramsey.


It is speculated that Mr D. Miliband tried to get the restraining order set up after his brother was rumoured to be winning in the race for the leader of the Labour party. By placing the restraining on him, Edward would be unable to go into work, and the second in command would most likely take over. This news has coincided with rumours that many of the MP's for the Labour party have had various allegations brought against them. Many of which we cannot comment upon for legal reasons.
The MET said that "Every single charge brought against a member of the public is important to us, we hope to have these issues resolved before the election race as we are aware it could seriously hinder the politicians in the party from doing anything at all."
The Prime-Minister is said to have "Not been surprised by this petty fighting in the Labour Party".
His Number 2, Mr Clegg, has said exactly the same. "

David Milipede

A week or two in the tabloids.

The Observer

" Yesterday David Miliband was forced to apologise after deeply offending the visiting Chinese Ambassador. After a 'North American Millipede' ran out of his breast pocket and continued to attempt to mate with Mr. Miliband's eyebrow.
Mr Miliband is reported to have been "deeply shocked" after the incident and hoped that this would not effect relations between the two countries.

"I didn't think she would wake up for another 15 minutes, she was sleeping there until we arrived back at the hotel. I was worried the cleaner would throw her out. I thought my pocket would be the safest place for Milly. I am, of course, aware that my name is similar to creature, but we are in no way related."

Mr. Miliband is apparently looking after the pet for a friend whilst they are away on business. Mr. Miliband would not disclose the owner in question, but states that they will "not be claiming the holiday on their expenses". A comment deemed inappropriate by his peers in the wake of the expenses scandal.
It is rumoured to be the pet of the Ex-PM however Mr. Brown is yet to comment on situation.

Recent Chinese law forbids anyone but specially trained wranglers to interact with the arthropods after they nearly wiped out half of the population of Beijing. After it was discovered that a large amount of toxic waste was accountable for the mutation and creation of the 50ft Millipedes which were recently in the news, China has cut it's carbon footprint by 45% by taming the beasts and putting them in huge 'Hamster-Wheel based turbines'.
An initiative is being looked into in the UK after this ground breaking technique was conceived, where sound waves from the combined voices of Jeremy Clarkson and Kyle are funnelled toward a pool of water. The waves then turn a turbine..
It is thought this could power an area the size of Scotland.


Aids to Mr. Miliband are worried the incident, now referred to as "Mili-gate", may seriously affect Mr. Milliband's chance of being the next Leader of the Labour Party.
The bookie's have put his odds at 74/1, placing him in second place. "

The football has begun...

Not only was being at home difficult enough. But I had to see Cameron's waxy, sweat-covered, right-winged face as he wished the England team luck for the games. When I was trying to watch the news.
It was nearly as shiny as the ball, not that I watched it.
I imagine it is also equally as filled with nothing but compressed air.

The 3 days were as irritating as bathing in bleach. In fact, no; most of it was quite bubbly.

Oaf

Judging from the gig I did last night, where I did 3 mins as there were 18 other performers although I was on later in the evening and squeezed another minute in. It seems you need to have an enormous gut, ageing face, bald head, annoying voice and the ability to be a cock to make it in this business.
There was one "comic", although he didn't do that well if I'm gonna be honest, of whom the first thing I heard from him was "if I don't like their face, they don't drink beer or haven't bought me a beer; I won't laugh. And that means something".
No, no it doesn't. You lumbering ogre.
He spent the entire time trying to get people off earlier than they needed just because he couldn't handle jokes with words with syllables over 2. The room was alive with laughter for one performer, and the tit-at-the-back (as he shall know be known) shouted "You're shit!" when he clearly wasn't. The tit-at-the-back was though.

Going on stage fucking this, fucking that (the extent of his sexual history however remains a mystery. I'm not sure any sane man or woman could stand his smell, let alone his company, for more than the 2 minutes. Coincidentally he only did that on stage). I'm no saint, but don't say "cunt" on stage. You cunt. It just belittles the point, if there was one.
Go back to your cave oh tit-at-the-back, rethink the shape you made which you think is a wheel, and start again.
Perhaps Karma will have pity on your useless and overly indulgent existence and not make you do it all over again; for fear of embarrassing not only yourself, but the powers that be.
If man is the breath of God; he had a cold, smoked 40 a day and needed violent CPR when making tit-at-the-back.


Before you wonder; I did longer than him, had more jokes, smelt significantly more like a living creature and had more laughs. The tit.

"Shave your legs, stop wearing crocs and get off the alotment."

Right. I'm annoyed. I saw someone wearing crocs buying a bread maker cos "It's cheaper and better for the enviroment" as she told the man in the shop.
So, I'm going to disprove her.
I'm using this recipe; http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/955/basic-white-loaf.aspx

An average price for bread: £1.19
Average Bread maker: £50.

So, arguably, 50 loaves of bread means you break even.
However, including ingredients?

Flour: 90p per bag. And you can roughly make 3 loaves from a bag of flour.
Salt: 50p. You can get roughly 30 teaspoons from 1kg
Butter: 85p. 1 knob. 8 knobs per sainbury's basic butter
Yeast: 79p for 6x 7g sachet's of yeast. So equates to 6 loaves.
Caster sugar: £1.36 for 500g. Roughly 20 tablespoons
Dried Milk powder: £1.89 for 250g. Roughly 10 table spoons. 5 loaves.

(All cheapeast things on Sainsbury's online shopping)

So... For 1 loaf of bread...

Flour for 1: 30p
Salt for 1: 2p
Butter for 1: 11p
Yeast for 1: 13p
Caster Sugar: 7p
Dried milk powder: 19p

Total: 81p

So if a loaf of bread is £1. Then to equal the cost of the machine, you'd have to make 50. But then, to make those 50 loaves would cost £40 (81p x 50 = £40.50).
£90 in total. So, to break even, you have to spend £90 on 50 loaves of bread.

I think that's right... I hope it is.
I havent even taken into consideration the cost of keeping it on to make the bread, driving there, the amount of extra petrol you'd need to get to carry the items (bread being lighter than the mixture of all), the time taken to make it, and the embaressment of it tasting crap.


In other news; I bloody love the make your own david cameron poster generator. My ones are here

Dear Diana Vickers

To whom it may concern,
You are deeply mislead not only on human biology and also the power of raw determination.
I only need to kill you once for it to stick.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPlmfKDdXhk&feature=related]

Caution: Contact with eyes and eyes may cause irritation..

... is what a majority of today's "artists" should put on their CD's and videos. Currently "Tiny Temper" (or whatever his bloody name is) just said;

'They hello, hola and bonjour. I've never been on a concord, I've been to Southampton but never to Scunthorpe'.

Shortly followed by the rather enlightening lyrics of 'cos every day there's a groupie at my front door' and 'If you're son doesn't [know me] I bet your daughter does'.

Firstly, this angers me cos he's just an annoying pest who knows how to swear. And secondly; when I didn't know about him, as an only child, surely that makes him a liar?

Music used to mean something, it used to evoke emotions and have a point (yes, I admit, this evoked anger in me. But so does a lot of things). "Imagine" being a fine example of music with a point. People used to write music to make you think about things, explain things and explore the human experience. Ask JLS or Ke$ha why they do it and they'll probably say for the money. Which is rather ironic considering Ke$ha has a dollar sign in her name.

The song "Bedrock" or whatever it is, is just an excuse to watch a horde of scantily clad women parade around for some talentless whelps. Who, if we think about this seriously, are only really useful for fertilizer when they finally reach death. Which, if you ask me, is a fate too good for them.

Germaine Greer fought for respect for women. If she were dead, she'd be rolling in her grave. Mozart already is, simply because X-Factor still gets commissioned. The poor sap.

On a lighter note; Easter time with friends was damn fun. Sam and I organised a few activities for em all to do so they could win chocolate. Sounds childish, and it was. But bloody fun.

Kinda weird knowing there isn't much of the Easter holidays left. Enjoyed myself. More than I thought I would. At least I know there's still a home for me here after the term ends.

Where does the time go?!

Public awareness and Political correctness

In the earliest part of my (for lack of a better word) career, I made some dreadful mistakes. I used shock-tactics and topics to try and get some kind of laughter. And, well, it worked to be honest.
Despite the fact it worked, I've realised that there is more of an audience than the students in the venues I played. People got offended, people were disgusted and people have changed their opinions of me and of the closest people to me.
You'd think I'd be upset and dwelling on this. But I'm not. Because I know that I don't and won't ever entertain everyone, I know that what I (or Rob and I on the radio) do is not every one's cup of tea. I can take that not everyone will find me (or us) funny. I'm not trying to entertain everyone, I'm trying to entertain someone. And, well, I do to be perfectly honest.

My writing has progressed from those starting months, I've learnt to not be stupid and use the easy gags to get a cheap laugh.
I've just written a 10-minute set for "Sir Richard Smythe", a character I've written who I'm going to use to mock;
A. The class system - which is definitely ever present.
B. The ideas which people have about the upper classes and the stereotypes around (mostly because it's dear to me) Oxford-ians.
C. The upper classes themselves.
D. Dim Wits.
E. The ideology of far-right politics and its followers.
F. People who are rich and famous for nothing (celebrity culture)

I'm really happy with it so far, it's different. You laugh at the character and what he represents.

I'm also writing two radio scripts, about two very different topics.
One about a group of men going to "The Planet of the Rats". Which is a parody of the film with a similar name but about apes, and a mixture of a theory from Richard Dawkins regarding where he thinks the future species will go post-nuclear-Apocalypse (from his book "The Ancestor's Tale" [I honestly think it should have been called "The Ancestor's Tail, for comic effect], I recommend it. Speaks alot about evolution up to now, and where leading scientists predict future species will go).
And the another one about a man just trying to survive. Inspired by the naturalism of The Office, but not quite as in your face as Gervais (I like Gervais in the Podcasts with Merchant and Pilkington, but on his own he's a twat). I'm just trying to write something that shows how funny the real world is already.

Some people are offended by our Radio Show, which really is very understandable. We're Risqué Radio for a reason though so Get over it. We warn you from the offset that it's Risky.
Rob & I talk about/ question things and discuss topics which aren't normally mentioned in polite society.
And? The Taboos are there, arguably, to be broken. People talk about stupid things everyday, the only difference with us is that people hear our (bloody funny) conversations about; why we think Lady Gaga is so weird, what we think happens at the end of the Tom and Jerry films, whether or not Scotland is an independent state, Japanese bug fights, and whether or not Bovril goes well with Mustard.
We don't go about trying to insult people (most of the time). It just happens. We're not really politically incorrect, we just talk about everything which comes to mind.
Instead of having a go at me about something I've said, why don't you save your energy to picket those people in power who are genuinely bad.


Would I go back and change everything I did in the past?
No. It taught me a valuable lesson.
It doesn't mean I don't deeply regret every person that was offended. But if you were, tell me about it. I'll be happy to take your criticism. Because that's the position I've put myself into.
What's most annoying, is that the people who have been offended by me probably won't read this. Which is a shame, because I'd obviously prefer for those people to talk to me and not others.

Serious re-evaluation

For a large majority of my life I have been a devout athiest. I was happy with that. Darwin-ism had treated me well. The idea of a life with no-one but fellow humans excited me; all this diversity, all this human experience to share.
However, I'm feeling the urge to become a deep agnostic; just so that I can blame someone, so that someone or something is acountable for the film Eraserhead.
David "Mentally handicapped" Lynch is heralded as being an artist for his work with film. But after seeing Inland Empire (albeit only the first half, because the film actually gave me diarrhoea) and now Eraserhead I am left with the feeling that there must, has to, be someone I can blame for this. I admit I could blame Lynch, but that's too easy. I hope it isn't his fault he's like this, because that's just unfair.

The films of his I've seen have been as if someone has grabbed a multitude of sub-par scripts, printed them on harded camel dung, fed them through a shredder, glued the bits back-together and then tried to make films out of them. With these resulting film reels being caught in huge fires, where the firemen (in an attempt to be truly rid of the films) use acid to extinguish the flames. Lynch has then snuck into the crime scene late at night and used his radioactive semanl fluid to re-attach the film into a huge collage.

I don't know why there was a women in his radiator. I don't know why his baby looked like the Elephant Man's penis (The Elephant man being a pretty decent film because, well, it's real). And I don't know how I'm meant to feel about it all.

As Marvin the Paranoid Android (Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy) says;
"Life's bad enough as it is without inventing any more of it".

This is challenged everything I trusted in the universe. That, eventually, it'd all make sense one day. It'd all be maybe not grand, but survivable.
No, apparently not.
There's not even a perticular emotion I'm feeling. It's just "Void".

Book and parody

I thought I'd put up the page I made for our class project arranged by our lecturer George Egg.
Mine was just a mishmash of ideas. Not particularly amusing. Just small little ideas.

Also, I thought I'd put up the script for the parody I wrote.
But right now, I don't know how to as there isn't a PDF creator here at uni.


Work has begun on mine and Gu's love child. But I shall talk about that at a later date...

Started on my new stand-up. It includes a PowerPoint, the insignificance of man, a toe, quantum physics and Leonard (My puppet).
It's ambitious, to say the least.