" Millions of fans saw England beat Slovenia 1-0 in their last qualifying round match earlier today, but only the 48,000 fans in the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium were witness to the carnage which ensued after the cameras stopped filming once the game had ended. Reports from eye-witnesses are sketchy at best, but it appears that a horde of animals stormed the pitch in a blind fury as the fans we're trying to leave the stadium.
From the descriptions given, it appears the conclave of animals was mainly made from 'Springboks', a medium sized brown and white gazelle that stands about 75 cm high, and 'Chacma Baboons', with a body length of up to 115 cm and a weight from 15 to 31 kg, it is among the largest and heaviest baboon species. Chacma Baboons are omnivorous but usually prefer eating vegetation, the Sprinkbok only eats plant life however both kinds of animals apparently were 'ripping the flesh from fans', as one survivor has recounted. 'They came from no-where! We all heard a loud thumping and banging, we just thought it was drunk English fans causing a scene. No-one could have expected seeing gazelle's ridden by baboons running along the aisles!'. The English and Slovenian football teams are apparently still stuck in their changing rooms and are all accountable for, as the South African police attempt to contain the situation. However, Fabio Capello is still missing and was last seen being chased by two blood-thirsty baboons. There is still hope for his survival but experts on the baboons are making it clear that 'When those animals are hungry, they won't stop until they're done'.Jacob Zuma, the Prime Minister of South Africa, is said to be in deep talks with David Cameron, who was at Wimbledon when the pandemonium broke out, about the possibility of sending police from Britain to aid in the stand-off and to give extra protection to the England football team. Mr Clegg, the deputy Prime Minister, was unavailable to take part in the talks after being released on compassionate grounds earlier today, but is said to 'deeply regret the misunderstanding'. A statement is expected to be made shortly.
This follows an incident in March, when development and preparation for the World Cup, when work was halted by a string of apparent random attacks on fast-food chains. The blame was placed on the large homeless population, who are starving and would see the lack of security n McDonald's as the easiest way to get food. However, wildlife experts are considering the possibility that animals in the environment were affected by the large increase in fast food outlets in preparation for the World Cup, which is sponsored by McDonald's - a part of the U.M.A.
Richard Branson is yet to comment on the situation. "
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