British Tea, Life, Towns and Government (Transfer Proposals) Act 2010

" This morning David Cameron, the last Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, announced the British Tea, Life, Towns and Government (Transfer Proposals) Act 2010.
The act is similar in it's effectiveness to the British Coal and British Rail (Transfer Proposals) Act 1993 (c3) which was brought into effect during Baroness Thatcher's reign in the 1980's.
Mr Cameron was joined on stage after the announcement by Margaret, who is reportedly 'disgustingly happy' with the move and believes it will not only 'revolutionise the economy, but also British politics'.

Mr Cameron told the press 'we are now looking for the highest bidder in many sectors of British-life. You can now purchase the chance to be a mayor, policeman, fireman, headteacher. I've already had the Prime ministerial job bought from me by Rupert Murdoch!'.
Mr Murdoch has not issued a statement regarding this, but did release a statement whereby he announced he was the largest stockholder in the already controversial conglomerate U.M.A.


Mr Cameron also released news that the opportunity to rent 10 Downing Street will become available by the end of next week. "

Cameron & Clegg: The end of British Government

" David Cameron and Nick Clegg last night went on television to announce their plans for the future of Britain and its politics.
David Cameron told the audience in the BBC studio about the immediate spending cuts to be put in place in public services such as; Welfare, Health, Education, Defence, Public order and safety, Housing and Transport. And other serious cuts to be put in place in; recreation, culture, religion, agriculture, and industry. The news of the dire cuts ahead in wages for a number of civil servants has called for a possible strike.

The expected cut in each individual budget is for casted to be near 95% of each budget. These cuts, alongside the cuts in Liberal Democrat expenses is expect to raise each Conservative expenses amount drastically.


Mr Clegg, the only Liberal Democrat left in the cabinet is reported to be 'deeply upset' with the move. The Lib Dem leader was moved to tears at the end of the show and shouted 'I just wanted to make the country good again'.
Mr Cameron, however, left the studio promptly so as to keep with a dinner arrangement with Baroness Thatcher who has recently been released from hospital after blood tests showed she could be suffering from cancer, when in fact it has been discovered that she is entirely made from cancerous cells."

MPenalised

The Daily Mail

" David Cameron yesterday held a press conference where he made it known that further job cuts would be happening within the next week to month.
The Prime Minister told reporters outside of 10 Downing Street that many of these jobs would be happening inside the House of Commons, effectively firing a vast majority of the elected MP's because their wages and allowances are deemed 'too expensive'.

Mr Cameron made firstly made it clear that the entire cabinet was behind the move, after 'long and tiring talks' the MP's came to a deal whereby they would leave their positions of power with the entitlement of a large sum of money, estimated at somewhere between £1m and £5m, and a yearly income of £50,000 paid in good will.
The MP's will also be eligible for job seekers allowance."

A Cut Above The Rest

The Times

" Some 600,000 jobs are expected to be lost in the public sector over the next six years, the Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) has said.
The OBR has fore casted 490,000 job losses by 2015 and 610,000 by 2016. This is directly opposite what David Cameron said during a Commons exchange when he said unemployment would fall during the coalition governmental time.
Mr Cameron did not specify of which department the job losses would be from, but made it clear that they would be 'across the board'.
The cut in jobs has collided with news that roughly 15,000 new McDonalds, KFCs, Starbucks, Costa Coffees and new airport terminals will be opened in this space of time. Sparking rumours that many of the employees will simply be moved into these openings instead."

Philip Hollobone unVeils New Initiative

The Observer

" Philip Hollobone has put forward parliamentary legislation to regulate the use of "certain facial coverings" in public.
Mr Hollobone is attempting to pass a law which would ban people from wearing; Burqas, ħijāb head scarfs , sunglasses, eye patches, leather "gimp" masks, handkerchiefs, habits (traditionally worn by nuns of the Catholic church) and balaclavas.

The Kettering MP said in a press conference this 'would obviously have a big impact for those who wear full-face Islamic veils, but Britain requires a stronger sense of security; and we can only do that if we can see everyone. We feel safer seeing people, how can you trust someone you can't see? Think about this; have you ever wondered what an Islamic person's passport picture is?'.

He later went on to say that the burqa is 'against the British way of life'. A comment deemed dismissible by other MP's who pointed out that Britain is the most multicultural country in the world.

Mr Hollobone caused has caused controversy before when he voted against equal gay rights; even though his son has recently 'come out'.
Mr Hollobone was also investigated after allegations arose that he voted against the smoking ban after Marlboro, a part of the UMA, paid him a large sum of money.
Mr Hollobone is also a member of BOO, Better Off Out, a non-party campaign set up by the UMA to privatise the UK and leave the European Union."

Lions In Wait

The Daily Mail

" FIFA has dropped Uruguayan referee Jorge Larrionda from its quarterfinal list following a widely criticised error in England's 4-1 defeat by Germany. Larrionda denied Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard an equaliser for a 2-1 trailing England, when his strike bounced off the inside leg of the Army Cadet, shadowing Mr Lampard for security reasons, and then of the crossbar and hit beyond the goal line but was quickly snatched out by German goalkeeper Manuel Neuer in Sunday’s second round World Cup clash in Bloemfontein.

FIFA said that 'although in usual circumstances this would have been completely understandable; however we had previously allowed the presence of the British Armed forces on the pitch after the recent animal attacks in South Africa. We thought it logically to allowed their actions to be simply the same as the footballers, as they were matching their every move. We have used advanced technology to predict if the ball would have taken a similar route had the ball his Frank Lampard instead and have come to the conclusion that it would have indeed been a goal'.


Even if the goal had been allowed however, Germany still won by 2 goals. Germany will face Argentina on the 3rd of July.
It is rumoured that German officials are attempting to acquire permission to get a German military presence on the pitch."

PM stablises British-Chinese Relations

The Times

" David Cameron is said to be visiting China in the near future in an attempt to sooth relations between the two countries after David Miliband offended a Chinese official on Monday.
An invitation to Mr Cameron was extended by Chinese President Hu Jintao as they met for talks on the fringe of the G20 summit in Toronto. Mr Cameron, a connoisseur of Chinese delicacies, agreed strongly with the Chinese President Hu Jintao on the need to increase trade between the UK and China.
The Chinese president said Mr Cameron had telephoned him on his second day as PM, "signalling his readiness to make a stronger relationship" with China. Mr Cameron joked that he was actually trying to call his local take-away, but 'this result was equally as useful to the growth of Britain and not just his stomach'.

Mr Cameron is likely to raise the issue of the trained '50 foot millipedes' which are powering China's cities, especially after it has been rumoured that three of them escaped from one of their holding areas and is responsible for the recent destruction of two tourist boats in Thailand, where 2 British tourists are said to be 'critical'. "

Getting a "Clegg" over on the opposition

The Daily Mail


" Yesterday Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats played down the threat made by Simon Hughes that he would 'put it on the table' that a number of Liberal Democrat MP's were against this week's budget announcements. Following a revolt in Brighton of 5 MP's one of which being the, now deceased, Menzies Campbell.
Mr Clegg reassured voters that although he and the party had campaigned strongly a rise in VAT, it became obvious to them all that a VAT increase was exactly what the country needed in this financially stricken time. He assured the BBC that 'The top earners will make a much bigger contribution than anybody else'.

The Labour party, including it's potential leaders DavEd, have attacked the Lib Dems for supporting the budget – particularly when they specifically campaigned against raising VAT.
Mr Clegg also finally spoke about the misunderstanding surrounding his arrest, and the reason behind the vials apparently containing the blood of the Prime Minister. 'I was taking the vials to my mother-in-law, who has a rare blood condition and blood type. Health care is unattainable for her, and I would not accept people giving me money to help cover the costs; so instead Dave offered some of his blood, as he is the same blood group as her'.
Mr Clegg's wife is a catholic Spanish national. It is rumoured she is here illegally, but we are unable to comment as an inquest is underway.
Mr Clegg told the press how 'deeply saddened' he was at the news of Menzies Campbell's death. But also 'deeply touched' he was asked to identify the body.
Mr Campbell was apparently like a second father to Mr Clegg, and was with him through the duration of his troubles with alcoholism.
It is reported that Mr Clegg is to inherit a large amount of Mr Campbell's estate, which is estimated at just over £10 million.

Mr Clegg also urged anyone with information regarding the other four missing politicians to step forward 'so as to stop the possibility of anymore fatalities'. "

8 - 8 - 4

The Daily Mirror

" Yesterday David Cameron announced at the G8 summit in Canada he wanted troops in Afghanistan home by 2015. Starting with those troops sent to South Africa, who are there to ensure the safety of the football team for the duration of the World Cup, who will be returning first.
Mr Cameron also announced the safety plan for the players throughout the games; there will be a bodyguard on the pitch, next to every player, during every game. This is expected to be initiated in tomorrow's game versus Germany.
It is expected Prince Harry will be shadowing England's right-back, Glen Johnson.

FIFA, The International Federation of Association Football, have allowed the move due to 'the extreme circumstances' and understand the national call for security, after the animal attacks at the last game.

The Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium was eventually cleared of animal carcasses, but the stadium was originally deemed unusable after the repair cost was estimated at £5 million pounds, an amount of money unavailable to the South African Government. However the U.M.A offered to pay the sum so games can continue.
The conglomerate has also offered to pay for the flights, the hotels and for the food of the British troops stationed in Port Elizabeth. An offer accepted by The Government, who, with the budget cuts, would find it financially difficult to send the troops otherwise.

Fabio Capello was eventually found, unharmed, cowering in a locker. His injuries were only psychological, and it appears the incident has made him ever more sure that 'if we can beat Mother Nature; we can beat the Germans!'. "

Mili-Bound Together

The Daily Mail

" Today, at 11am Rolf Harris opened the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury with a plethora of his oldest hits. Rolf was unexpectedly joined on stage during his hit "Jake the Peg" by David and Ed Miliband, who were in the news recently after causing disturbances together and separately. But the brothers had undergone a slight change since they were last seen by the public. In what will be a controversial move in the leadership race of the Labour party, of which they are both running; the brothers have become surgically attached to each other.
'DavEd', as the pair have now been dubbed, enacted some of the famous dance moves in Rolf Harris' song. The pair finished the show by cartwheeling off stage into a limousine which drove them back to London. They held a press conference outside . the Royal Marsden, where the operation was performed, where they outlined their intentions.
'We realised that the only way to be sure that the labour party would be in good hands was to have another pair just in case. Together, we can watch each others back and make sure every decision we take is the right one. After all; two heads are better than one'.

Rolf was said to be 'stunned to be asked to perform with the brothers' but thought it was a marvellous opportunity 'to show the marvels of modern medicine'. Rolf of course has a special connection with plastic surgery, after being the first successful female-male patient. "

George Osborne announces Budget Mark II

The Observer

" Earlier today George Osborne released another budget with some more serious cuts in funding to major parts of politics. The most crippling thing to receive significant cuts were of the wages of certain MPs, predominately the wages of Liberal Democrat MP's who may now find it increasingly difficult to travel to London, causing concern that they may be unable to do their job and may be forced to give up their positions to Conservative members of Parliament.

John Hutton has received complaints from his ex-Labour colleagues after being appointed by the Conservative-Lib Dem coalition to head a commission into public sector pensions. Mr Osborne added that Mr Hutton's involvement meant that the proposals would have had cross-party input. Alistair Darling is said to be 'deeply hurt he was not asked'.
The former chancellor said Tuesday's budget announcement could be 'severely dire for many. In concentrating on the deficit they're ignoring that need to have a significant large amount of growth'. Mr Darling echoed the findings of the IFS, the Institute for Fiscal Studies, when he said 'we are facing the longest, deepest, sustained period of cuts to public services spending since World War II'.


The chancellor confirmed that university fees would be going up, and that it a system would be put in place so that students applying for tuition fees would be means tested and if it is deemed they can afford the cost without acquiring a loan they will not be eligible.
He announced plans to increase pay and the expenses of Conservative MPs, because 'the work and stress placed upon them at this difficult time, due to the actions of the previous government, requires higher financial support'. "

Cameron Defends Spending Cuts

The Times

" David Cameron gave a speech outside of Downing street today after allegations he was allowing Britain's education system to be funded and partially bought by the conglomerate U.M.A.

'It is true, that at this time, I fully agree with George Osborne in that we do need to make drastic spending cuts to help the economy grow. But we are also inexplicably aware that this country requires an adept and well funded education system which can support our children through these difficult times. So, we may have to look for outside funding to make sure our children have the future that they deserve.'

Mr Cameron would not say where this funding was coming from, but it is known that outside companies are looking into helping with the funding. The Chancellor, George Osborne, is expected to announce another budget tomorrow.
The Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, was also scheduled to make a short speech which was expected to deal with his recent arrest, and to reassure Liberal Democrat voters that he was doing his bit for the country. However Mr Clegg is unattainable after identifying the body of, the now deceased, Menzies Campbell. The Prime Minister said he was 'deeply saddened by the loss of a great man and a great politician' and that 'the state of Britis politics was greatly changed by the work of Menzies Campbell. He will be sorely missed'.

Mr Cameron also spoke of the talks he has been engaged in with Jacob Zuma, the Prime Minister of South Africa.
'The Prime Minister of South Africa has assured me that our boys are safe as they hold up our great name abroad. But for the added security of not only our fans, the players and South African nationals; we will be sending a small number of reserve and active troops in Afghanistan to go and protect them whilst the games are on.'
One of the reserve companies expected to be sent to South Africa is the Alamein Company, of which Prince Harry is a member. He is yet to make a formal statement, but close friends have said he is 'excited to be defending our men when it really matters'. "

Minging Campbell

The Independent


" The body of the highly esteemed Liberal Democrat politician Menzies Campbell, was found in a forest near Brighton earlier today. Menzies had recently escaped from a police van after a Liberal outcry regarding the coalition's budget cut released on Tuesday.
Mr Campbell was found by a small tree. The police report indicates he was 'Half buried in a hole'.
A dog walker saw the body at around 12:30pm and immediately called the police. Retrieval of the body was held up, however, when it was found the lower part of Mr Campbell's body was being eaten by a small group of badgers, all of which had to be culled by police.

Mr Campbell's body was taken to a local mortuary where the Deputy Prime Minister was waiting to identify the body. Nick Clegg was said to be 'deeply upset' by the incident, and has not left his study since returning around 2:30pm. There are fears that he may be drinking heavily. His alcoholism was a major factor in the coalition being set up. The Prime Minister made it clear to Mr Clegg that he needed a 'stoic and supportive deputy, who had a clear head at all times'.

The 34Th brigade who served with Menzies Campbell in the Vietnam war, where he lost his left arm, will be holding a service tomorrow in the Mr Campbell's hometown. He went into service after his gift in short distance running gave him the advantage in attacking. He held the British 100 metres record from 1967 to 1974, having run the distance in 10.2 seconds, and captained the Great Britain athletics team in 1965 and 1966. And was given the nickname 'the fastest white man on the planet'.

The whereabouts of the other missing Liberal Democrat politicians; Danny Alexander, Annette Brooke, Jeremy Browne, Alistair Carmichael and Peter Brand are still unknown. "

Wimbledoom

The Daily Mirror

" John Isner and Nicolas Mahut tore up the record books as their epic first-round contest at Wimbledon became the longest in tennis history, after it lasted a huge 10 hours. The match was locked at 59-59 in the final set but had to be suddenly stopped when the french player, Nicolas Mahut, apparently picked up a stray hedgehog thinking it was a tennis ball and had to be rushed to hospital are serious damage to tendons in his hand.
The match was expected to continue into it's third day after being stopped the previous day due to dim light.

Mr Mahut is now on constant watch at St. George's hospital after his injuries became life-threatening. It is believed they could have been treated early but ambulance teams were delayed in trying to enter the grounds to administer care to Mr Mahut, after hundreds of other hedgehogs were blocking the roads on the way into Wimbeldon Stadium. It is not known why the hedgehogs congregated on the Wimbledon Stadium, but experts beleive it may be to do with the sudden increase in heat.
'They must just be thirsty' a spokesperson from the RSPCA has said. 'They usually stay near rivers, but the huge supply of Buxton water must be attracting them'.
Buxton water is the sponsor of the tennis at Wimbledon. It had recently gone into bankruptcy, but was saved from being closed down when it was bought by the U.M.A.

David Cameron, who was at the tennis match until being called away for talks with Jacob Zuma about the the crisis in South Africa, apparently got away before the incident. But is said to be 'deeply concerned'.

There was worries for the British education system this week, when it was announced in George Osborne's budget cuts that PE would be cut from the curriculum. Bringing fears that there would not only be wide-spread obesity, but no more athletically fit people to play in the English football team, or Wimbledon.
The Government has said that it 'is looking into sources of other financial investment, potentially from outside sources'.
George Osborne is expected to announce another series of "extreme, but required, budget cuts' tomorrow. "

England Springbok into First Place

The Times

" Millions of fans saw England beat Slovenia 1-0 in their last qualifying round match earlier today, but only the 48,000 fans in the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium were witness to the carnage which ensued after the cameras stopped filming once the game had ended. Reports from eye-witnesses are sketchy at best, but it appears that a horde of animals stormed the pitch in a blind fury as the fans we're trying to leave the stadium.
From the descriptions given, it appears the conclave of animals was mainly made from 'Springboks', a medium sized brown and white gazelle that stands about 75 cm high, and 'Chacma Baboons', with a body length of up to 115 cm and a weight from 15 to 31 kg, it is among the largest and heaviest baboon species. Chacma Baboons are omnivorous but usually prefer eating vegetation, the Sprinkbok only eats plant life however both kinds of animals apparently were 'ripping the flesh from fans', as one survivor has recounted. 'They came from no-where! We all heard a loud thumping and banging, we just thought it was drunk English fans causing a scene. No-one could have expected seeing gazelle's ridden by baboons running along the aisles!'. The English and Slovenian football teams are apparently still stuck in their changing rooms and are all accountable for, as the South African police attempt to contain the situation. However, Fabio Capello is still missing and was last seen being chased by two blood-thirsty baboons. There is still hope for his survival but experts on the baboons are making it clear that 'When those animals are hungry, they won't stop until they're done'.

Jacob Zuma, the Prime Minister of South Africa, is said to be in deep talks with David Cameron, who was at Wimbledon when the pandemonium broke out, about the possibility of sending police from Britain to aid in the stand-off and to give extra protection to the England football team. Mr Clegg, the deputy Prime Minister, was unavailable to take part in the talks after being released on compassionate grounds earlier today, but is said to 'deeply regret the misunderstanding'. A statement is expected to be made shortly.

This follows an incident in March, when development and preparation for the World Cup, when work was halted by a string of apparent random attacks on fast-food chains. The blame was placed on the large homeless population, who are starving and would see the lack of security n McDonald's as the easiest way to get food. However, wildlife experts are considering the possibility that animals in the environment were affected by the large increase in fast food outlets in preparation for the World Cup, which is sponsored by McDonald's - a part of the U.M.A.
Richard Branson is yet to comment on the situation. "